FEAR of being WRONG–Taken from “The Results Book” by Wally Minto 12/18/08
“The fear of being criticized, condemned, or called wrong by someone else is one of the strongest fears in the human race.  Probably more failures have been caused by the fear of being wrong than by all the rest of the causes put together……..More dreams and goals have never been reached, more friendships have been destroyed, more marriages broken up, because of the fear of being wrong than for all the other causes put ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged.’  Whenever you call someone else wrong, you must realize that it does not make you right.  Instead, in the other person’s mind you also become wrong.  Therefore, the more you call other people wrong, the more inhibited you become through the fear of being wrong.”

Fear of being alone!  12/11/08
Yikes!  More than half the world has this affliction, in my opinion!  I have had friends that have told me they are afraid of going to the movies by tehmselves.  And yes, jumping from relationship to relationship (or marriage) is somtimes a happy picture.  Maybe you are the exception that has met the perfect mate VERY shortly after a breakup.  But can you honestly say that you are not afraid to be alone?  Do you know the difference between being alone and being lonely?  IS there a difference to you?  Are you self-sufficient if you need to be?  Do you CHOOSE to be w/ another, or do you do it out of fear or necessity?  Think about it, please!  I think it is really important to ask ourselves these quesitons for our own growth and awareness.  Then, if you choose to still get into that new relationship, you might just look at yourself and the other person w/ a bit more clarity, at least?  Or, better yet, slow down, give yourself some time and see a counselor to help sort all this out?!

Robyn

Thursday, December 4, 2008
Think about that!  When you think you are irritated about the toilet seat being up, or her bugging you to take the trash out….it really isn’t about those things.  It SEEMS like it is, but it isn’t.  Usually it is because we have let things (feelings) build up inside and that is just the final ’straw.’  We are angry (and hurt, etc.) over the REASON those things are not done, not accomplished and more accurately that we are not HEARD or acknowledged or feel disregarded.  Does that make sense?  I think if you think aobut it it will, and it can sure help us to take a look at our feelings before reacting to some silly things that we THINK we are angry about!  Have a good week!

well, the holidays are upon us again…….!  In the crazy, busy world we live in, we can easily get caught up in the hustle and bustle of busy-ness, or, we can take a deep, slow breath and remember what this holiday is about.  Take a few breaths and center yourself (as I have had to remember to do too) and find something to be thankful for!  Or find many things!  Make this a day to be thankful for what you have, who you have in your life.  We ALL have at least one thing to be thankful for, but sometimes it takes a reminder to do so.  Please do this for yourselves today, and let that be the focus of the day, the week, and the month ahead!

Robyn

Fear of success…….same type of topic, different week!  If you took a serious look at whether or not you have a fear of failure, now it is time to give some thought to whether you have a fear of success!  Are they different?  YES!  We can try, give something 50% of our time/attention, feel that it won’t work, and quit!  We can self-sabotage anything!  We can do this not out of fear of failure, but what would happen if we actually succeed?  Could we handle the relationship of our dreams?  Getting the promotion we always strove for?  What about our own business?  This list goes on too……..only you can know whether it is important to look at and possibly face this fear!  Please do, if it feels like a worthy cause for yourself!

Fear of failure………have you really thought about what this means?  Whether you are afflicted by a fear of failure?  To try anything, to try something new, to get into a new relationship, to exercise, and the list goes on……..it can be scary to face failure, but more scary to us on some level to stay STUCK!  Which is exactly what will happen if you don’t try.  Change is scary, new is scary, but boy it can be exciting and exhilarating too.  Many people that come to see me are scared to face their feelings, a relationship change, depression, anxiety and to try new techniques to get it under control, heal it, etc.  BUT, by coming they are taking an important step for themselves, and they may fail!  Yes, it is possible, but they have gained momentum by just showing up also!  You can’t fail if you take steps.  Even if the world sees something as a failure, you really haven’t failed unless you give up!  Think about that!  You only fail if you give up!  Face the fear and do it anyway! (That’s the title to one of my favorite books, by the way!)

That is an important acronym!  Ponder that for a week.  It IS false evidence, and it sure does appear real when we are in the midst of it, doesn’t it?  YES!  But, if you can remember that it is FALSE, then it takes some of the power away from it and can give us a different perspective from which to work and make changes!

I want to talk about levels of emotions this week.  This is a pretty profound concept.  The majority of people tend to express emotions on one level: anger or some derivative of it: frustration, irritation, etc.  Would you agree?  I see all kinds of requests for anger management, I am angry all the time, etc.  But, what I want to explain is that this is just the way we have LEARNED in society that is acceptable to express feelings.  It masks the deeper more painful feelings.  It is most certainly NOT the only thing that we are feeling.  Imagine an iceberg.  The portion that stands out above the water level is the angry feelings.  What is UNDER the water line?  Well, I propose that there are TWO levels of emotions under there…….the very bottom one being
FEAR…….Human beings are capable of feeling only TWO different fundamental emotions…….LOVE or FEAR.  So, we (hopefully) have some experience of what love feels like.  We’ll table that one for the time being.  I want to focus on FEAR.  We have all types of fears: fear of failure, fear of abandonment, or something that falls somewhere w/in that realm.  That is the BASE emotion at the CORE of the iceberg of our feelings.  The next level up (the one right under the waterline) is PAIN/HURT.  So……lets look at this for a moment.  If we say “you are making me angry”……..that is a lot easier to say, to face and to get someone to react to or back away from than it is to OWN what WE are feeling underneath it, isn’t it?  It just isn’t common (and we haven’t
learned how) for us to say “You are making me angry, but really I can see and acknowledge that it is my ‘hurt’ feelings that cause me to feel ‘fear’ from what you just said/did.”  This type of statement (which in some form or another is MUCH closer to the truth) makes us FEEL vulnerable to the exact thing that the anger is supposed to keep us from having to deal with, isn’t it?  We use our protective mechanism of anger to keep the hurt away, but the hurt has already really been felt, hasn’t it?  So, being honest about it would be really helpful to not add more internal pressure to our pressure cookers, wouldn’t it?  HOPE that makes
sense, helps you have something to ponder this week……!!  If not, email or comment, and I will explain more/better!

Have you ever heard anyone describe a person as a pressure cooker?  Do you know how a pressure cooker works?  Water turns into steam, and if you don’t let the pressure cooker ‘vent’ as it is heating up, it will explode!  People do work the same way.  We have internal pressure that builds up, and if we don’t ‘vent’ our internal pressure will make up blow up too!  People ‘blow up’ in a number of different ways; health problems, panic attacks, isolating themselves, angry outbursts, etc.  But the fact remains……we WILL inevitably blow up if we don’t ‘vent!’  So, how do we know if we are about to blow?  Well, look at your life…..do you feel calm, balanced, or out of balance and on edge most or all of the time?  How do you vent?  There are a million
ways, and it is an individual process, but some ways I have used and had others tell me that works are physical exercise, screaming into a pillow, crying, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, see a counselor, etc.  Our feelings (unexpressed) are what make our internal pressure build.  We HAVE to release them somehow!  So please, please, find a way to vent!  Don’t let yourself ‘explode’ from unresolved, unexpressed feelings!
Robyn

October 16th, 2008

Hi all!  Well, here I go with starting out fresh!  AND–I think the way I am going to approach the blog this time around is this: It seems that every week or month or so I have a ‘theme’ that I am talking to clients about.  So, I have many things to share but think I will ‘wing it’ and not be too structured, so I can give you what a lot of others appear to need at the time.  How does that sound?  Well, good I hope! LOL

So, this week what I seem to be talking a lot about is the feelings of others.  How we feel bad, guilty, somehow responsible, etc. for the feelings we (think) we create in others.  For instance, if you want out of a relationship, or someone hurt you……..and you tell them how you feel………then what?  What if they react ‘badly’ and turn it around to make you feel guilty about having shared your feelings……?  Do you buy it?  Do you then feel bad, wish you could take it back?  Well, sometimes if we say things out of anger or spite to hurt the other person (or unconsciously ‘defend’ ourselves), YES, we should feel bad and apologize!  But, what if you said what you had to from the heart……..from a ‘good’ place, with good intentions, because it is how you feel and what you needed to say?  Then what?  Well, here’s what!  WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW ANOTHER PERSON FEELS!  Re-read that again!  Can you believe that?  Isn’t it hard enough being responsible for our own feelings?  Isn’t that enough?  To learn to admit, be aware of, acknowledge, express and own our own feelings?  YES IT IS!  So, if you have something to say to someone that might hurt them or cause them (their own) pain………check your motives.  If your motives are ‘good’ and from the heart, then say what you need to– and do your best to remember that how they take it, accept it, (or not)……..is not your problem!  It is theirs to deal with however they can/want to!

That’s a biggie, so that’s enough for this week!  Chow!  And, PS–I welcome comments, questions, (confusion) or any kind of response.  Even if you disagree with me or don’t “get it”! :o))
Robyn