What if you can’t sleep,
mind won’t shut off,
are worrying all the time,
feel like you have no motivation to get out of bed or off the couch?
What can you do to help yourself?
Have you ever had one of those bad days?
You know—not just sort of bad, but really bad?
Messy, painful, frustrating…….Haven’t we ALL??

I have found it to be very helpful to create a LIST of things we can do to get OUT of this ‘blah’ place.   The reason I like this is that we all know there are things we can do for ourselves, but when we are IN that space, we have a much harder time THINKING OF THEM!  So, if you make a list of ideas when you are feeling ok, then you can more easily remember ONE THING to do!

I can only give you examples, but hopefully you can make a “BAIL-OUT” list that works from you using this as a guide.

•    BREATHE!
•    Go for a walk, or some other physical activity (it really DOES help to release pent up energy!)
•    Call a friend (be HONEST about what you are feeling and need from them!)
•    Volunteer somewhere or help a friend (you can’t think or worry while you are doing for someone else!)
•    Start a gratitude journal (you can find at least one thing a day to be grateful for, and you might be surprised how many more!)
•    Do one nice thing for yourself.  What is it that you have been wanting to do but keep getting put off?  DO IT NOW!
•    Play with a pet
•    Watch or play with a child
•    DISTRACT your mind!  Do something mindless, watch tv, read……..but just for a while.  You don’t want to get lost in this, but sometimes doing something totally different will give you a new perspective when you go back to the ‘worry’ to solve!
•    Find something to laugh about, or smile at!
•    What hobby have you always wanted to start, or used to love but got away from?  Do it!
•    Cry, scream, let it out!  (Appropriately, of course) We need to give ourselves permission to have our feelings, and THEN they can more easily dissipate, but if we resist them, they will hang around longer!
•    Always remind yourself that “this too will pass”
•    Keep pad and paper by your bed………sometimes it is VERY helpful to get to sleep after you have ‘purged’ your mind of all the ‘to-do’ things that the mind wants to be preoccupied by!

The funny thing about needs that I have begun noticing is how hard we try not to have them.  Beyond the basic needs of food, water, shelter, we don’t want to need or risk appearing needy to ourselves or others.  The irony of this is that we are created to have needs of many kinds.  We need to be liked, loved, appreciated, connected and a whole list of other emotional needs.  We are made that way!  So, ignoring or denying our needs only serves to make us miserable, lonely, discouraged and maybe even bitter.  If we can acknowledge to ourselves that we have needs and those needs deserve to be met, whether that be by ourselves or from others, we are in a much more healthy place emotionally!  Don’t misunderstand however, that I am not saying that another person HAS to meet our needs, or that they will even WANT to meet our needs.  All I am saying is that we expend much of our energy trying NOT TO NEED!  But we do anyway, so being ok with that is very freeing, and honestly, how can we possibly get our needs met if we are unwilling to share them with ourselves and/or others?

If we say “I can’t” does that feel like we have a choice?  Is that empowering us or dis-empowering us?  Isn’t choice about being conscious of what we CAN do, and choose not to do?  I love the word choice and all that it allows me to feel, change, do and be.  I love to be able to say “I could, but I choose not to” instead of “I can’t.”  To me that is a much more empowered place to come from, and allows me to acknolwedge that I could but for some reason am not ready, or it does not serve me.  Think about this.  Where in your life have you just ‘bought’ what others have told you and feel you have no choice?  Where do you ‘use’ the words “I can’t” to cover up what you aren’t willing or don’t really want to do?  Whenever we feel we have NO choice, it is very discouraging!  So, I challenge you to become conscious of when and where you say “I can’t” and CHOOSE instead to tell yourself the truth….I could but I choose not to, or some such similar words!

Are you familiar with this concept?  Picture a clock in your head.  When we are STUCK in one position (far right or left) our ‘pendulum’ of emotions does not swing freely and with balance.  Therefore, when we do something (like counseling, self-help, etc.) to get ‘unstuck’ then the law of inertia will have the pendulum swinging all the way to the other side and it will have such force that it will probably stick on that side for a while, right?  For example:  If you have been a people pleasing door mat most or all of your life and you decide you are tired of it and begin working on your assertiveness and self esteem, you will inevitably go through a period of being more like aggressive, wanting to speak up and say NO to everyone.  The opposite of how you have been.  Does this make sense?  So, I think it is important to be aware of this, as others around you might not respond so well to your new ‘changes.’  And you might think it is not worth it if you don’t know that this is a normal part of the process.  After a period of adjustment, you will break free of this opposite reaction and begin swinging freely, eventually finding your own internal balance.  Don’t be afraid of change, just know it might not look like you think!

Some of the more common techniques for coping w/ anxiety include meditation, thought stopping, reframing techniques.  They work!  But only if you work them!  I learned early on that knowing and doing are VERY different, and you can be the smartest person in the world, but if you don’t practice, use your ‘tools’ then you will be smart and stressed!  I used to hate hearing “breathe!”  But you know what, when I became a therapist and no one would ever do it either when I suggested it, I started to have them do it with me, and not only did they learn that it does work, but it made both of us feel more calm immediately.  Take a deep breath right now!  Do it!  It is not the answer, or the only answer, but it is a great first step.  When you are feeling overwhelmed, panicked, stressed, worried, you cannot take a first step of action until you can breath!  So do it!  Then the thoughts will come a bit more easily, the steps might be more clear, because you took the time to do for yourself what you needed.  It is hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes but we do have the answers if we can take the time/effort to see them!  At the times when you feel least like you could/should take time for YOU, that is exactly when you NEED to.  We waste SO much time worrying, not sleeping, ruminating, that when you really look at it, it would be much more time efficient to take a breath, do yoga for an hour or something, THEN face the problem, sleep on it and it will be easier to find the right (balanced) solution!  I have SO many more ideas, words of wisdom, books, techniques, easy ‘how to’s’ but it all comes down to taking a step!  Making a change.  If your mind is out of shape, out of balance and has too much room for worry to seep in, you must make one small change at a time to take back that control, get it back in shape and then no matter what internal or external circumstance is going on around you, it will not seem so daunting!  Hard to believe, yes.  Hard to do, sometimes.  Impossible, not at all!  I know, because I am a huge worrier, and have faced and done all that I have just suggested.  It works most of the time when I am willing to work with it (and myself) instead of against myself and resist my thoughts/feelings.  What we resist persists………very profound statement!  What you struggle against you will keep re-creating!  So, now, my favorite Dr. Phil question:  How’s that working for you????

What is stress and how to we deal with it?  Stress can be defined as anxiety, panic, worry, fear, depression, and can manifest in any of those forms or a myriad of others.  We have all experienced stress to some degree or another, and more at some times of our lives than others.  Stress/anxiety/worry can be internalized, caused by being ‘out of balance’ or deeper fears or reasons.  Or, stress/anxiety/worry can be caused by external situations that we have no control over, such as the economy we are all concerned about right now.  There is a healthy anxiety that drives us, that helps to motivate us to move through fear, to keep pushing ourselves toward our goals.  But there is also unhealthy stress that feels as though it will consume us and paralyze us at times.  How do we find the balance and be aware of our personal stress levels before they go from healthy to unhealthy?  I believe the first stage is becoming aware of what we are thinking and feeling.  When we are able to call it what it is, we take back the control that we need to manage it.  We also must ‘own’ it and talk about it.  When I am becoming more worried about something than I know is healthy but can’t seem to get it back in balance, I have to express it to someone and that takes it’s power away.  I can call it what it is, define it a bit more and see it more clearly and more objectively. We make mountains out of moleholes, by allowing our minds to become sloppy, out of control, and if you were to liken it to the physical body, VERY out of shape!  We have to take charge of those thoughts, feelings, actions, take responsibility for them and get our mind in shape just like we would/do our bodies!  The first step is being willing!  Become aware of what those negative/fearful/worry thoughts are.  Panic can be not recognizing what is going on and feeling no control over it, right?  Examining, exploring, not resisting the thoughts/feelings and working on staying objective can be a HUGE step in the right direction!  We get nowhere by thinking that others won’t understand, can’t help, won’t help or will think we are ‘crazy.’  They would probably be relieved to know you, too, experience out of control thoughts/feelings!  So share!  Ask, talk, question, talk to yourself!  More techniques next month………

Hello all!  I am writing to tell you I am going to adjust my blog entries to monthly instead of weekly.  I guess it is good news that I am getting busy and want to be sure to focus my energies where needed, eh?!  So, will continue probably at the beginning of every month, beginning at the end of March!  Thanks, and stay tuned for more words of wisdom! LOL

Robyn

“everyone knows perfect love in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which absolute love pours into this world.  At the same time, human relationships are imperfect expressions of that love.  This creates a painful gap between the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it is expressed in our relationships.  When we imagine that relative human love should be something it is not–absolutely unconditional–we suffer disappointment and wind up distrtusting love itself.  We also hold grievances against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having won that love.  This gives rist to a universal human wound–the sense of not feeling loved for who we are.”

How do you TRY to do something?  I have used example in my office of putting a pen in my hand and asking the client to ‘try’ to take it from me.  It is AMAZING to me at the ways they try….grabbing, pushing, slapping.  But none of them realize it is sort of a trick.  You cannot TRY to take it!  You either DO, or you DON’T.  Think about it.  They take the pen or they leave the pen.  You cannot TRY to do anything!  So, how often do we use that excuse when making plans, avoiding something distasteful, or not working on things we know we need to.  “I’ll try to get to it.”  I could give you a million examples in every day life when we (all) do it.  So, begin being aware of that in your life.  Change it to “I’m working on it” or something else that gives you more accountability in your languaging.  Whenever I hear someone say “I’ll try” I KNOW they will NOT succeed or follow through.  That is the way the brain is wired.  This is a HUGE back door for us to not have to do what we may even have ‘promised’ ourselves or others that we will do!  Stop trying and do it, OR say no (in some form or another)!!